self-embodiment of perfection

 I generally find the concept of self-love to be cringe and unattainable. Ew, I'm supposed to love myself? I'd rather die. Self-love sounds like thinking you always look hot and not letting anything get to you. I couldn't imagine responding to someone that I love myself and that's why I did something. But maybe I could learn to not hate myself. That sounded more attainable. This year has been an empowering year for me full of growth, discovery, and self-expression. Along with that has come mistakes, arguments, lost friendships, failed relationships, a lot of insecurity, self-doubt, and my old friend, self-hate. So this month I have slowly, and very sloppily, tried to reconnect with myself. What gives me light, what makes me me, who am I when I'm not with my friends or a romantic partner, what do I like, what do I want, from life, from myself. When I say this has happened sloppily I mean non-linear, imperfectly, taking two steps back and maybe a half step forward som...

  it's the objective greatest day of the year--that's right the random day that I had no control over when I forced my way out of my mother and the doctor pushed me back in but I was like, okay, I'll wait for a little bit but I'm coming out angry. And yes, that was a dramatization, but a true story. I came a little bit premature, as babies often do, and the doctor wasn't ready for my mom to give labor yet. So he was like, "hold her in" (author's re-enactment) and my mom was like, "bro" and he was like "bro, people won't use that as an exclamation for another 30 years". And then the me of right now is realizing how meta this is and how sad I am.  It's my birthday, is what I'm trying to say. I have a pretty consistent routine of my birthday of getting pensive and trying to make everything about me and my birthday. It's not that I'm trying to con free stuff from corporations or gifts from my friends. It is that, but...

 On threads, it might seem like I'm just being silly most of the time. What little I've shared about my dating life has probably revealed that I am nothing if not incredibly slutty for both penises and attention. This is my legacy, people. But there's a serious side to this. You don't date 3 people in the same social circle at the same time and walk away with zero casualties. Two other people are incredibly hurt by my actions. And the third, who I am currently dating (not official, but exclusive), was hurt by some of my actions earlier in the scenario. I hate that I did this and that I can't fix it. It would be so much juicier and more fun if I would just give you the deets. AS IF I WOULD BE SO VULNERABLE AND OPEN. I sure talk a lot on this platform, but most of the more personal details are concealed by choice.  Also, idk if you guys know this, but the internet is forever. It's all out there and you can't fully put the toothpaste back into the tube. Let me ...

Things have been chaotic, unfocused, and straight up embarrassing for the past 2 months. My dating and love life, work, physical health, mental health--all have been either neglected or incredibly affected by my actions. I'm making decisions I'm not proud of, feel unsure of who I am, and I've hurt 3 people, at least, in the process. I don't feel good right now and it's entirely my fault.  I am confused about my direction and next steps. I know things that I need to do to better myself, but I'm unable to do them. I feel disconnected from who I am and what my values are. So here's what I think I need to do; execution and implementation are another conversation: get back to therapy daily journaling work on self-esteem put my hobbies and interests first prioritize time with friends start going to the gym work on focus and attention, especially for work get back in touch with my values This is not a comprehensive list but it's a good start.  To be honest, I j...

I just got into and out of a relationship in like a week, and it had me reflecting on the men in my past. For this exercise, I picked any man who had a significant impact on me and wrote them all letters, going into detail about what happened and how it impacted me. I changed everyone's name except Corey's because I think he's the only one who I have mentioned by name on Threads. Raphael: I was so enamored by you when we met. However, you were married, and that would continue to be a thread that was pulled throughout our entire "relationship." We did "date", however legitimate or illegitimate it was with your marriage, but it was pretty short-lived. Less than a year. You lied to me a lot, but I didn't care. I was caught up in the fantasy--you were hot and you could sing and play guitar. What else does a girl need? Our relationship was fraught with arguments and fighting. We were never going to last in a long-distance relationship. We both hurt each ...

Current lock scren Current phone backround Here's some of the highlights of what I've been up to this past 7ish days. -I have a boyfriend now! His name is Corey. We are in an open relationship but I love that he's my main person. He's a nerd who is covered in tattoos related to gaming and cartoons. He has a massive game and movie collection. I met him at board game night a few weeks ago!  Neither of us have been in an open relationship but we have been clear about the parameters and I imagine we will fine-tune it from here. This was something essential to me before making us official. -Therapy is intense lately. I'm triggered a lot. I'm probably not handling it the best but I'm handling it the best way I know how. Drugs, sex, avoidance lol. I'm trying to journal, be honest in therapy, and work on my self-care activities again. -My schedule is always unbelievably full so I'm trying to add back in me time. I book my social calendar to the brim and then...

I've been in several long-term relationships. I was engaged to someone from 2012-2014. Then I dated someone else for less than a year after that. From 2016-2018 roughly, I was in another long-term relationship. After that, I dated someone else very briefly. In 2018 I began my most recent relationship, which ended at the beginning of 2024. Along this timeline, I realized I didn't have much chance to be single. I never gave those breakups time to heal before jumping into the next one and throwing myself into the new relationship. So I'm enjoying being single now and really leaning into my individuality and what I want. I want to be firm in the things I want and can't compromise on. I also don't want to jump back into a monogamous relationship too quickly, if ever. I really just want to be sure what I want from a partner, and also, what I don't want. I'm enumerating that below. Things I will not settle for: Someone who tries to control what I do, say, or wear S...