To the Men I've Had Before: Here's What I Learned from You

I just got into and out of a relationship in like a week, and it had me reflecting on the men in my past.

For this exercise, I picked any man who had a significant impact on me and wrote them all letters, going into detail about what happened and how it impacted me.

I changed everyone's name except Corey's because I think he's the only one who I have mentioned by name on Threads.

Raphael: I was so enamored by you when we met. However, you were married, and that would continue to be a thread that was pulled throughout our entire "relationship." We did "date", however legitimate or illegitimate it was with your marriage, but it was pretty short-lived. Less than a year. You lied to me a lot, but I didn't care. I was caught up in the fantasy--you were hot and you could sing and play guitar. What else does a girl need? Our relationship was fraught with arguments and fighting. We were never going to last in a long-distance relationship. We both hurt each other emotionally and went our separate ways. I don't know how I got past it; I thought I was going to die. I learned though to raise my standards just a little. When we talked several years later, I felt nothing and was able to see through your bullshit and lies. It was nice to feel so removed from someone I thought I couldn't live without. I also learned that the love of my life probably wasn't married and dragging his feet in the divorce.

Leo: Even though we didn't officially date each other, you were easily one of the most influential people of my life. For better and (mostly) worse. And if you're somehow reading this, YES, it is about you lol. This is one of maybe 2 or 3 on here that I think could potentially be read by the person it's addressed to. There's a lot I've said to you already about the past. I spent a lot of time not knowing how you really felt about me and desperate to find out. I wanted so badly to matter to you. I felt like I never really did. It was so hard to hang out with your love interests/fuck buddies (I can only remember one specifically) or to see them on social media/hear you talk about them. I always asked myself, "What do they have that I don't?" There was usually a theme, and I didn't fit it. I wanted so much to be your girlfriend back then, but what do I honestly think our relationship would have been like? It would have been hell. Worse than it was as just friends. It would have probably ruined us beyond repair.  I learned to only put into people who care about me in return. Regardless of what the relationship is, don't settle for someone who doesn't actually give a shit about you. Thankfully, I don't feel like that about you anymore and I'm happy we have a normal friendship for the most part.

Michael: The only man I've ever been engaged to. Boy, we had a rollercoaster romance! I really thought it was God's will for us to be together. How hilarious now! Just shows how much better off I am. Our belief systems would have conflicted, among many other things. I also didn't want to change my last name. I didn't want to move out of Tennessee and take my son away from his support system. You're also someone who may actually read this, though the odds are so fucking small. You were really cute, but you were a goofball who just fundamentally didn't vibe with me. I remember you lecturing me about a certain pair of pants I wore because they were too big for me. Mind you, I was a single mom working overtime trying to just afford everything, much less worrying about a pair of too-big pants. Jesus. Oh wait, that's your guy. I shouldn't take his name in vain. At least we had the White Stripes to bond over...and that was it. You had your eccentricities and things that annoyed me, but much worse than that, I wasn't a good girlfriend to you.. Actually probably the most toxic, piece of shit girlfriend you ever had! And we never even lived together. I learned long-distance relationships aren't for me, as if Raphael didn't teach me that already. I learned to really get serious and specific about what I want and what is a dealbreaker for me. I also learned how to be a better partner and what things are unacceptable, not that I'd take that lesson to heart yet. I am sorry for how I treated you and after I got over you (it took more work than Raphael; I thought it was the worst pain I had ever felt to that point), I did apologize to you and try to make amends. 

Don: We should have never dated at all. We were good as friends, had great chemistry, lots of fun, but we didn't make a good couple. I leaned on you for everything, taking advantage of you a lot of the time, and you let me because you didn't know how to assert your needs/boundaries. I wasn't a good girlfriend to you either. You were my golden retriever boyfriend. I wanted to get my way; you wanted to see me happy. I told you one day that I didn't think I was ever going to be happy. It's just not part of my DNA. That seriously bummed you out. I mean, what other goal could someone have in life than to be happy? Or maybe you were bummed because I was so dark and depressed at that time, and not getting proper help for it, that it pained you to think I'd never get out. You didn't know much about mental health, but you credited me with showing you the way. True to your people pleasing ways, you let me stay with you far too long until you had a breakdown and asked when I could move out. You told me I was making everything harder for you because it's affecting your dating life. I moved out fairly quickly, my new boyfriend of the time (Master Splinter), thrilled that I finally was moving out of my ex's place. I really wanted to stay friends and we vowed we would. I cried about it to Splinter. It meant a lot to me. My attempts to reach out and message since then have ended with me left on read. I get it. It's hard to be friends with an ex when you're married with 2 kids.

Shredder: We didn't date very long, just a couple months, but I learned that you changed your mind quickly about us for some reason or another. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was something about my personality. You accused me of "keeping score" one time and that took me aback because I didn't really know what you meant. I think it was because I had paid for us twice, can't remember the occasions, and I asked you to get something for us. Perhaps I was too rude about it. You also somewhat made fun of me during sex when I tried to tease you and you looked at me and said, "what are you doing?" In that tone you do when you bully someone lol. We got into a dumb argument one night because you were working but not responding to my messages. You told me previously you don't do much at work, you just watch the video being uploaded or something to that effect. But my experience with you in person was you being on your phone looking at girls on Instagram. I shouldn't have accused you of doing that when "ignoring" me and also like, girl, get a life. He doesn't have to always text back fast. But you flew off the handle at me and blocked my number. I didn't realize until the next day and saw I was blocked on social media and removed off your Playstation friends. I had seen your email address one time but you didn't know it, so I emailed you. You're the first person who ever broke up with me first. Admittedly I didn't handle it well. You never gave me a real answer and I was so angry I don't remember the exchange we had. I learned to not settle. I learned that I was still a bad girlfriend. 

Master Splinter: Those closest to me will recognize who this is. My longest relationship, 6 years, and someone I should have broken up with 2 years sooner. But I broke up when I did and it set me free. Most of the people from Threads only know me in the after time. Where I was embracing my individuality and becoming my best self. Our views didn't fully align on marriage toward the end. Your lack of commitment and interest even in making me your wife was gut wrenching. Over the years I pulled away from you. We both withdrew. Then the breakdown in November 2023 changed everything. We were DOA from that point on. I did the best in this relationship versus previous ones. I had some old problems but a lot of the worst ones (jealousy) I learned how to deal with and overcome. I stopped fighting with you over small stuff. I learned that I ramble on in conversation sometimes and I could be too exacting in my questioning and need for details. Not everyone has to clean things or even care about things the way I do. I learned how to approach my partner more respectfully with requests. I learned that it's important to be with someone who will communicate well about what they need and want. I learned that I do have a problem with a commitment, even though I was in a 6 year relationship. I wasn't myself. I was a hollow version of it. And I stepped outside the relationship twice. We are still friends as of me writing this. I still live with you. I wish you the best. You're a great guy. I wish you were more expressive, less introspective, less quiet. But you're so brilliant and patient and good at teaching me things and being kind with me. You're not always ready or able to talk, but when you do speak, it's well-thought out and conveys your point. I'll always love you even if I'm not in love with you. I care about you a great deal and it's so hard to live with you and sleep with you and heal at the same time. I've put my healing on hold because I can't get over you and work on my mental health at the same time.

Casey Jones: If this person reads, they'll most likely be able to clock it's them, too. You were the first person I slept with after Splinter. I even flew all the way to your state for it! We mostly hung out and did fun things. You're quiet but in a peaceful way. You introduced me to Haikyuu. That was really cool. I miss you and think of you often but don't reach out as often as I should. You're such an interesting, cool, smart, fun person. I hate that we live so far, but man am I glad I got to visit you. I can't wait for the next time. I learned about new ways to define friends. People that you like and who are cool that you're attracted to and want to have sex with. Friends with benefits or fuck buddies are such impersonal terms. Friends is much better. Friends who sleep together is no big deal. It doesn't have to be. The key is communication and defining the boundaries of the relationship.

Slash: You're not my boyfriend but you've absolutely set the standard for what I want in a boyfriend. I've fucked around and developed feelings for you. I told you. You said it's possible to love two people, but you don't feel like that about me yet. It takes time. I also don't feel about your girlfriend nearly as strongly as I feel about you. I also told you this. Sorry, I'm never going to. I've learned that I don't care so much about physical looks in some aspects. Personality can really do the heavy lifting for me. I also learned some great basic standards to incorporate into what I look for in a partner. 

Corey: well, I feel like I should assign you a Ninja Turtle character. Hamoto Yoshi would be the next one, so now it's your honorary title. There's a reason that I am reflecting on the men in my life and what I've learned. It's because I want to be my best for you. I hope I can be. I am not ready to be in a relationship right now, but if and when I am, I want it to be you. You're a great guy and you have so many green flags that I love--your ability to communicate, understanding of my mental health issues (because you have one of the same ones), you're working on yourself in multiple ways, you like to make plans for yourself and for us, you're very affectionate and really into me, not hung up on gender roles, open to being in an open relationship even though that's not your own inclination, open to criticism and feedback, etc. I have admitted to you there were a lot of red flags in the beginning, things I didn't fully understand and situations where you didn't express yourself well. I want to be sure those were just flukes/misunderstandings and not serious red flags that are going to drive a wedge between us. I'm being cautious and taking it slow. At the same time, I have my own red flags that I've told you to run from many times but you are sticking around anyway because you think I'm worth it. I want to be my best for you because you're trying to give me your best and we're not even a couple. I hope we can be someday. I hope you always show me your truest self and that we continue to communicate and be honest. I hope I can improve and get my mental health together, move out from my apartment with Splinter, and maybe get a higher paying job or another source of income. I have lots of boys in my life, but you're the one I think about coming home to. And if I start officially seeing you (for real real this time), I want to be a great girlfriend for the first time ever.