My LGBTQ Identity Is Actually Pretty Straight-Forward

I've known since I was at least 12 that I liked girls. I knew it was more than just as friends, too, because of the funny feelings I'd get between my legs. I even experimented a little bit with my best friend at the time. I wrote about it in my diary. The excitement and desire was clear from my writings at the time.

I don't remember when I learned the word bisexual or if that was the same moment I accepted myself as bisexual, but as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter. I've been this way for a long time.

Despite this, my sexual and romantic experience has been overwhelmingly male dominated. Not exclusively, but predominantly. It's not something I was happy with per se, but I felt I had had little choice in the matter. It had just worked out this way.

I remember my sponsor in a 12-step program told me that she had heard of experiences of women addressing their trauma and deeper validation issues and then going on to exclusively date women.

I'll never forget how that made me feel. Not dissimilar to the way it felt to write in my diary about exploring my best friend. 

I never let go of the idea of having a girlfriend while being in a relationship with a man, or at the very least, having threesomes and sexual experiences while in this straight-passing relationship. Being with a woman exclusively felt out of reach because I was "stuck" dating men, but I was happy to compromise if my boyfriends were. Spoiler alert: they weren't.

I was determined to still have these women-loving-women experiences that I deeply missed and wanted more of--but my relationship choices were so opposite of that deep-seated desire.

I think a part of me hated that I "looked straight" on the outside. I had a gay trans coworker call me straight a long time ago and it really bugged me. I corrected them but they still weren't accepting. In fact, they dismissed me further. It never worked out the way I wanted with me and other women, thus I was stuck in monogamous relationships with men. Stuck. Had no choice. Right...

Part of me hated that I slept with and dated so many men. But men were easier. 

I 2024, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend of almost 7 years. I was determined to date around more and be open to more possibilities with women and non-cis people. 

While this yielded 1 date and 1 poly situation, it wasn't what I had hoped for. I wanted more dates and I wanted a serious relationship. It was difficult to form connections and actually meet in person unless, like the poly couple, it was to establish something more casual.

There's also the issue of meeting fellow sapphics. I was doing all this searching online, but that got frustrating in a hurry. Outside of going to a gay bar though, I wasn't sure how to meet women for romantic purposes, unless it was just out in the wild like you meet anyone. That would take too long though for me. Especially when in real life, I would be 90% sure a girl was queer and maybe even into me but I couldn't pull the trigger because I was too scared. By the way, I don't have this hesitation with men. 

Cut to June 2025 and nothing has changed. I don't feel proud of being bi, I don't even feel part of the LGBTQ community. I think some weird part of me thinks I need to perform a certain way to be seen as "enough" for the community. Like I have to commit gay acts to be seen and accepted as gay. I know such actions would be gatekeeping but I can't help but feel they'd be right.

I guess I'm the one who's the gatekeeper. I'm gatekeeping myself and being biphobic toward myself basically.

There's also this unsaid resentment that other bisexual women in hetero-looking relationships don't like queer women like me. They're not attracted to me. I know am not entitled to anybody being attracted to me, but it's an extra layer of frustration and rejection when I'm not the right type of gay for other bi women, who are very often stereotypically feminine and cisgender. And that's okay! And cool! 

There's just this feeling of like ubiquity and yet unbelonging. So many women identify as bisexual and pansexual, yet I feel like an outcast among them. Even if that's not true, it feels really discouraging to continually face direct and indirect rejection. That could be said of all genders in all dating scenarios.

None of this means there's not a girlfriend out there for me. It just means I have to keep trying, be patient, and not get discouraged to the point of giving up and going back to men because they're easy.

If I end up in another relationship with a heterosexual cis man, it will not be because I settle. Attraction to men is still valid...begrudgingly. But I won't settle for it out of loneliness.

I don't want to give up on a queer relationship. I think I owe it to myself to be free and see what it's like. Not because I need to have more "gay credit" but because it's something I've longed for. Every time a queer female relationship is portrayed on TV. Every time I read stories about queer women in relationships. Every time I just have that feeling in my chest. There doesn't need to be a reason. 

It's who I am. It's what I want.

I'm a queer woman who wants to be with other queer women. Nothing can change that.