The find out portion of fuck around and find out

 On threads, it might seem like I'm just being silly most of the time. What little I've shared about my dating life has probably revealed that I am nothing if not incredibly slutty for both penises and attention. This is my legacy, people.

But there's a serious side to this. You don't date 3 people in the same social circle at the same time and walk away with zero casualties. Two other people are incredibly hurt by my actions. And the third, who I am currently dating (not official, but exclusive), was hurt by some of my actions earlier in the scenario. I hate that I did this and that I can't fix it.

It would be so much juicier and more fun if I would just give you the deets. AS IF I WOULD BE SO VULNERABLE AND OPEN. I sure talk a lot on this platform, but most of the more personal details are concealed by choice. 

Also, idk if you guys know this, but the internet is forever. It's all out there and you can't fully put the toothpaste back into the tube. Let me explain that metaphor with a different, worse one: let's say you're pro skater legend, and the only guy I can name in this category, Tony Hawk. You're doing your frontside flips and frontside kickflips and your primo grind into a switch backside 360 powerslide. I lost the metaphor. I guess pretending he's not wearing a helmet and stuff, so you should get him a helmet. Gah, whatever. I told you this was a worse metaphor.

I got way off track though. Still leaving that bullshit in because this is a toilet for my thoughts that can't fit on Threads.

Anyway I hurt people. Deeply. People who did not deserve to be treated like that and who have subsequently been very mean to me since then. I know that I deserve it. My partner tells me I don't and that they're both overreacting. 

And still, I went to one of their house's tonight and let him berate me and agree with every bad thing I said about myself. I was hoping that if I validated him, told him I was sorry, and that I know I can't fix it and I'm trying to do better as a person that he would at least forgive me. Maybe not forgive, but just not give me the cold shoulder/silent treatment. An absolutely lethal combo that makes me feel so neglected and ignored. I would rather be yelled at every day than given the silent treatment. 

But it didn't work. I think he was just as mad as when we started. And not just that, he looked down on me, he pitied me, he acted like I wasn't even good enough. Then he kissed me! LMAO he didn't see the irony. You can't talk shit about me and then turn around and try to put your tongue down my throat. Guess he's missing all the action I used to give him. 

I still don't believe he deserves the pain. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. And I hope he can come to a satisfying conclusion for himself.

I experienced something similar when I talked to the other guy in this love triangle. I tried to validate him and accept the blame as I should and he just kept being meaner and meaner, wanting nothing to do with me. I was hoping he might soften some if I was validating and providing closure and shouldering all the responsibility that is rightfully mine to shoulder.

I can't make them forgive me. I can't make them like me. Hell, I can't even make them tolerate me. I want us to be civil at game nights. Maybe we won't be best friends, but I want us to all get along and be able to play games, without having personal feelings come in the way. Sure, it might take some time. Happy to keep my distance for awhile. But I just hope it's not forever.

Of course, a wise man once said, you can't always get what you want. I've lost two really cool people in my life. They may never forgive me or be kind to me. I have to accept that. I did something shitty. I miss both of them. And I just have to live with the consequences no matter how badly I want things to be different.

This has also led to a situation where a ticket to an event literally has my name on it, but this guy paid for it. Now he's refusing to give it to me. He's trying to give it to someone else. Even though you have to give your name when picking up, you don't have to show ID--so anyone can go "as Jessica" and that makes my blood boil. Obviously he won't even sell me the ticket. He's so smug about it too. It's really frustrating. I could reach out to the creators, per a suggestion from a friend, but idk if I have any legal standing since I didn't pay for the ticket. I'll see what I can do.

This has been a terrible chapter of fuck around and find out. But I made my bed, so I'll just have to lie in it. I'm pretty good at that. Lying in beds, not lying. Actually I can be good at lying. But I choose not to be. You're welcome. I wield my powers for good.

Lesson learned though: sometimes you do shitty things and you have to suffer the consequences.