self-embodiment of perfection

True form Mahito  One year after the Shibuya incident re-aired, I rewatched it. To be more accurate, I rewatched the last few episodes a year after they aired. The other episodes, before Mahito starts losing the 2 v 1 vs Yuji and Todo, I had rewatched at least once.  It's physically painful to watch him get beaten up. It's frustrating to watch Todo and Yuji succeed with their plot armor. It doesn't often feel like a fair battle given the circumstances, skills, and abilities of all 3 fighters. Beyond that, it's just utterly embarrassing to watch how desperate and pathetic Mahito acts in his final moments. I'm also angry that Gege wasted Mahito. He was the strongest cursed spirit. He was built up as the leader of the disaster curses. He was fast to learn and faster to adapt. Gege could have really drawn that out. Maybe I'm just selfish and wanted more time with him. I'm also insanely salty that one black flash by Yuji knocked Mahito out of his true form and ba...

Psycho-Pass It was a visceral hit to the gut. A crime in the middle of a public scene. The shock of seeing this seemingly random woman being beaten over and over. The annoying, robotic voice of one of the drones asking if she's in distress. Telling her to seek mental care, as she's being raped and beaten. The crowd watches, stone-faced, some recording with their phones. No one helps her or calls for help. It was absolutely heart-wrenching and frustrating. Tears came to my eyes at how unfair and how brutish it was, even for something animated and fictional. Later, one of the detectives pointed out that no one helped because this act was so far outside the normal for the public to see that they probably didn't know what to do (I'm paraphrasing). I think it's such a bullshit answer honestly. I tend to think humans are inherently good and that if anything stops them in their tracks, it's just fright. Then again, the Bystander Effect is a real and studied thing. The ...

  It's been many, MANY months since I decided to rewatch the OG Naruto instead of moving onto Shippuden. Let me tell you--they just don't make anime like this anymore. You probably already know this. But there's something so charming about older anime. They are slower, more earnest, more straight-forward in a lot of ways. But they trust you to pick up the story and understand without having it spoonfed to you or all shoved in your face at once, lest you get bored. My theory is because they were made during the height of Cable TV, kids had no choice but to just sit and watch these full episodes and long ass arcs.  I just finished the Konoha Crush Arc, where Orochimaru and his crew infiltrate the Leaf Village, wreak havoc, kill the Third Hokage, and then dip. Also, Naruto and Gaara's sand monster go head-to-head (with some help from the Chief Toad). That's pretty significant. Actually, that's more of the focus of the arc. The last episode of this arc (ep. 80: ...

 I generally find the concept of self-love to be cringe and unattainable. Ew, I'm supposed to love myself? I'd rather die. Self-love sounds like thinking you always look hot and not letting anything get to you. I couldn't imagine responding to someone that I love myself and that's why I did something. But maybe I could learn to not hate myself. That sounded more attainable. This year has been an empowering year for me full of growth, discovery, and self-expression. Along with that has come mistakes, arguments, lost friendships, failed relationships, a lot of insecurity, self-doubt, and my old friend, self-hate. So this month I have slowly, and very sloppily, tried to reconnect with myself. What gives me light, what makes me me, who am I when I'm not with my friends or a romantic partner, what do I like, what do I want, from life, from myself. When I say this has happened sloppily I mean non-linear, imperfectly, taking two steps back and maybe a half step forward som...

  it's the objective greatest day of the year--that's right the random day that I had no control over when I forced my way out of my mother and the doctor pushed me back in but I was like, okay, I'll wait for a little bit but I'm coming out angry. And yes, that was a dramatization, but a true story. I came a little bit premature, as babies often do, and the doctor wasn't ready for my mom to give labor yet. So he was like, "hold her in" (author's re-enactment) and my mom was like, "bro" and he was like "bro, people won't use that as an exclamation for another 30 years". And then the me of right now is realizing how meta this is and how sad I am.  It's my birthday, is what I'm trying to say. I have a pretty consistent routine of my birthday of getting pensive and trying to make everything about me and my birthday. It's not that I'm trying to con free stuff from corporations or gifts from my friends. It is that, but...

 On threads, it might seem like I'm just being silly most of the time. What little I've shared about my dating life has probably revealed that I am nothing if not incredibly slutty for both penises and attention. This is my legacy, people. But there's a serious side to this. You don't date 3 people in the same social circle at the same time and walk away with zero casualties. Two other people are incredibly hurt by my actions. And the third, who I am currently dating (not official, but exclusive), was hurt by some of my actions earlier in the scenario. I hate that I did this and that I can't fix it. It would be so much juicier and more fun if I would just give you the deets. AS IF I WOULD BE SO VULNERABLE AND OPEN. I sure talk a lot on this platform, but most of the more personal details are concealed by choice.  Also, idk if you guys know this, but the internet is forever. It's all out there and you can't fully put the toothpaste back into the tube. Let me ...

Things have been chaotic, unfocused, and straight up embarrassing for the past 2 months. My dating and love life, work, physical health, mental health--all have been either neglected or incredibly affected by my actions. I'm making decisions I'm not proud of, feel unsure of who I am, and I've hurt 3 people, at least, in the process. I don't feel good right now and it's entirely my fault.  I am confused about my direction and next steps. I know things that I need to do to better myself, but I'm unable to do them. I feel disconnected from who I am and what my values are. So here's what I think I need to do; execution and implementation are another conversation: get back to therapy daily journaling work on self-esteem put my hobbies and interests first prioritize time with friends start going to the gym work on focus and attention, especially for work get back in touch with my values This is not a comprehensive list but it's a good start.  To be honest, I j...