my complicated relationship with self-love

 I generally find the concept of self-love to be cringe and unattainable. Ew, I'm supposed to love myself? I'd rather die. Self-love sounds like thinking you always look hot and not letting anything get to you. I couldn't imagine responding to someone that I love myself and that's why I did something. But maybe I could learn to not hate myself. That sounded more attainable.

This year has been an empowering year for me full of growth, discovery, and self-expression. Along with that has come mistakes, arguments, lost friendships, failed relationships, a lot of insecurity, self-doubt, and my old friend, self-hate.

So this month I have slowly, and very sloppily, tried to reconnect with myself. What gives me light, what makes me me, who am I when I'm not with my friends or a romantic partner, what do I like, what do I want, from life, from myself.

When I say this has happened sloppily I mean non-linear, imperfectly, taking two steps back and maybe a half step forward some days. Cutting off men just to let them back in because I'm lonely and want approval. Starting fights, storming out, withdrawing, not following through on my own plans and desires, overbooking my schedule, being exhausted, hiding my feelings.

Am I just running in circles, hurting myself because that's the only thing I know how to do? The thing I think I deserve?

I got the answer today while listening to Beyonce's "CHURCH GIRL" on the way to the grocery store.

Maybe loving myself is not the glamorous, Instagrammable, vanity-laden, obnoxious, unattainable picture I thought it was. The version that Beyonce sells in many of her songs where she sounds like she's above it all and better than everyone. And sure, she can say that--she's Beyonce. But where do I get that right? I'm Jessica.

The line from "CHURCH GIRL" that stood out to me was, "I'm gonna love on me -- no one can judge me, but me. I was born free." I thought to myself: have I not been loving on myself by the way I bask in the afterglow of my skincare routine? The way I smile at my reflection because I love how cared for I feel? How I invest in bath bombs because I really enjoy them? How I make a cozy nest on my bed and curling up with a book or my journal or anime? How I say no to plans if I know I'll be out too late?

Where do I NOT get the right to feel loved and cared for, even if it's just by myself?

It might not look the way that Beyonce's self-love looks, but that's okay, right? I'm Jessica! Not Beyonce! 

If no one can judge me, but me, I need to also tell myself to cut me a break. Like damn. We're trying. We're making choices, some good, some bad. We're human.

So I have resolved to stop viewing this month as a bunch of failures. Boldly, I am going to attempt my version of self-love. It doesn't involve boldly proclaiming how beautiful I am or how I love everything about myself, but it means giving myself what I need, and actually, what I want, too. Indulging my inner child, being imperfect, being okay with being imperfect. 

I'm gonna love on me--even if it takes brute force.

Comments

  1. MichelleDecember 13, 2024 at 7:11 PM

    I don't think you necessarily should love yourself but rather accept yourself as you are with your flaws and are. I think you can still be in the process of trying and still love someone. I think self love is just an unobtainable thing even for all of us, myself included in that. Regardless, you keep doing you, and taking care of your needs over others.


    --- https://dreaming--arcadia.com

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