Let's Talk about Those Eren Videos I Posted

 

I posted 2 videos on 8/13 (Tues) focused on Eren Yeager and Levi Ackermann. If you didn't see them, it was essentially talking about some things I'm going through and using anime characters analogously to my life. 

I took them down because a) they felt very vulnerable to be available on my profile all the time, and b) because I said some spiteful things about Levi that yes, I do mean, but I didn't like posting it publicly when I have a lot of friends who love him deeply.

If you wanna see the videos, DM me on IG lol. I don't mind sharing them with certain people. I just don't want to keep them up on my page. But I must stress that it depends on who you are! Doesn't hurt to ask though.

This is not an explanation nor is it an apology. I've felt for a solid week that I want to open up and share some things. I'm going to do that here though, where I can easily edit my feelings and analogies.

I'm going through a tough time right now. Just a lot of compounding issues, but there's a lot of optimism, joy, and excitement in my life, too. This is on top of my anger, which has manifested in lashing out, starting verbal fights, generally being combative, and just constantly being on a hairpin trigger. I don't know how you perceive me, but I'm actually a glass cannon with a chip on their shoulder, always feeling like they have something to prove.

One of those compounding issues I mentioned involves some unprocessed trauma that has reared its head and refuses to go away. It demands that I deal with it. So my solution has been to latch onto my favorite anime and characters more than ever. When you insult them, you insult me. You hate them, you hate me.

I make taking things personally a part-time job. Starting fights over trivial shit is my full-time job.

And it's funny--I take pride in being tough. I think it's amusing that I start verbal arguments and brag about how I love to threaten to get into fights (knowing I probably can't win). I laugh about the physical fights I've been in, despite the consequences I received. It's because I never ever want to appear weak again. I told myself at 16/17 that I wasn't going to ever show weakness again. No one was going to take advantage of me. I wasn't going to be like my mom. Passive, cowardly, quiet. 

It's all projection. I know I'm short. I know I'm weak physically. I know I'm all talk. I know I'm small and no one would take me seriously unless they were a fucking child. But boy do I want to be seen as tough and intimidating. One of my dad's friends said she'd be scared of me if she didn't know me. I don't know if she was joking or not, but it made me feel really good. 

tbh we could really get into some gender politics and stuff like that but I'm not in the mood. so instead I'll say, I crave to be respected, admired, loved, looked up to. If that comes at the cost of someone being afraid of me, that would be cool. I just don't think I'm very intimidating lol. I'm very personable and gregarious. I smile and laugh a lot. I enjoy talking with people and connecting.  So let's say this angry protector is the next layer down because boy are they accessible in a pinch. Very much so lately. 

Like I said in those videos, none of this was ever about the anime characters. But what is anime if not a way to process our trauma and understand ourselves? At least, that's what it's been for me.